The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife: This is a comedic look at the ways in which wives were attained in the Tanak. These are by no means my suggestions for attaining a wife, so don’t any of y'all take this seriously.

Have YHWH create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. Adam -- Bereshiyth (Genesis 2:19-24)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. Yaaqob [Jacob] -- Bereshiyth (Genesis 29:15-30)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Mosheh [Moses] -- Shemoth (Exodus 2:16-21)

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- HaDebariym (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. Benyamiym [Benjaminites] -- Shoftiym (Judges 21:19-25)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz -- Ruth 4:5-10

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." Samson -- Shoftiym (Judges 14:1-3)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. Dawiyd [David] -- Shemuel Alef (I Samuel 18:27)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). Dawiyd [David] -- Shemuel Beth (2 Samuel 11)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. Shlomoh [Solomon] -- Melekiym Alef (1 Kings 11:1-3)

Find a prostitute and marry her. Hoshea -- Hoshea 1:1-3

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

A wife?...NOT!!! Shaul [Paul] -- (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)